all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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