Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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