I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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