im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
