I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
