Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
