I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
