The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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