i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dick very happy bro
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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