Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
