so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
