Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
