Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
