Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Randomize
