I think my fart just growled at me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
