And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
