i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
