I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
