I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
