i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
