need another drink. this is the easiest way
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
