new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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