he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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