She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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