i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Panties = found
Randomize
