Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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