wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize