note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
