New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
