I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
