I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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