We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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