her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
