just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
