matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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