Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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