Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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