i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
