Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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