Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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