Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
