he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
