I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
