Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
