my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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