I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
