i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
