Define "chronic" masturbator.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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