I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
