I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
