It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
