I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
