He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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