Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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