I will die if light touches me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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