I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
