why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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